DIDRIK SOLLI-TANGEN (Norway)

The result may not have been what the host country Norway were hoping for, but as long as you could dream yourself away in those eyes, nothing else really mattered…

SOFIA NIZHARADZE (Georgia)

And what about those lovely ladies? Well, here was one who stunned us with her classic dark beauty as well as with her considerable singing talent – taking her home country to their best finish yet in the competition.

Are we looking forward to 2011 already? You bet we are!!

But for now, off we blindly stumble into the Eurovoid – that place where no points are awarded and where nothing else makes much sense, either. As the gatekeeper, Jahn Teigen, greets us we launch into the nominees for this year’s Award for Worst Lyrics, once again making sure to thank The Diggiloo Thrush for putting those memorable phrases down in print…

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1. DENMARK, “In a Moment Like This”, lyrics by Thomas G:son, Henrik Sethsson

In a moment like this
Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know what you’re looking for
Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know if you’ll ask for more
Oh, in a moment like this

Well, I guess what I’m, I guess what I’m, I guess what I’m looking for are some lyrics that actually mean something and that aren’t just repeated to fill out the melody. You would think, you would think, you would think that with all the experience that Thomas G:son has had with songwriting that he would be able to make a little more sense. This song was rejected from the Swedish preselection process before going on to win in Denmark. I wonder if the Swedes took the text literally and actually DID ask for more?

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2. LATVIA, “What For?”, lyrics by Guntars Racs

I’ve asked my uncle Joe, but he can’t speak
Why does the wind still blow and blood still leaks?
So many questions now with no reply
What for do people live until they die?

Only Mr. God knows why

Hard to know where to begin here, really. First off, I really doubt that someone named Aisha has an uncle called Joe, and since he’s mute she obviously feels he is the right person to ask questions of. The constant repetition of “what for” at the beginning of nearly every line is not only grammatically incorrect; after a while it’s just downright annoying, too! What for she seems to want to sing this? Well, I guess only Mr. God knows why, but what does Mrs. God think?

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3. LITHUANIA: “Eastern European Funk”, lyrics by Jurgis Didziulis, Aurelijus Morlencas, Sergej Makidon, Jievaras Jasinskis, Laurynas Lape

Yes sir, we are legal, we are, though we’re not as legal as you
No sir, we’re not equal, no, though we’re both from the EU
We build your houses, we wash your clothes, keep your hands all squeaky clean
Some day you’ll come to realise Eastern Europe is in your genes

First a little shame, then a little advertising, then a whole lot of repetition. It’s difficult to believe that five lyricists worked on this song, and this was the best they could come up with. Although, credit should go where credit is due: This must be the first time in history that someone rhymed “you” with “EU”. Calling Mr. Barroso, you need to get these guys for your TV promo! Also, I refuse to believe that Eastern Europe is in my genes. I might go along with it being on my jeans, but then that usually comes out nicely with some soap and warm water…

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4. NETHERLANDS: “Ik Ben Verliefd (Sha-La-Lie)”, lyrics by Pierre Kartner

Or possibly, I was sitting together with you on a plane to Oslo
Or did it come from a bar in an alley, we were in Trinidad
Or was it with a good glass of wine
In that pavement café in Berlin
Or was it in Moscow where I’ve had my first kiss with you

The poor girl’s been searching the planet for the guy who wrote these lyrics! The text sounds more like a geography lesson until, of course, she launches into the heartfelt chorus of “Sha-La-Lie, Sha-La-La”. Keeping in mind that both music and lyrics are courtesy of the gentleman who brought the world the Smurfs does soften the blow somewhat, although it just makes me wonder what the Smurfs would look like at the Eurovision Song Contest. Oh that’s right, I’d forgotten about the winning Russian song from 2008…

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5. SERBIA: “Ovo Je Balkan”, lyrics by Marina Tucakovic

Balkan, Balkan, Balkan, this is Balkan, come on
Hop, hop, hop, this is Balkan, come on
Hop, hop, hop, this is Balkan, come on
Hop, hop, hop, this is Balkan, come on
Hop, hop, hop, this is Balkan, come on

I think they must have nothing but sticky keyboards in the Balkans. This just makes me want to say, “Yes, we heard you the first time!” But as history has proven time and time again in the past, the only way to get away with horrible lyrics is to create a visual distraction. Enter the male singer, looking like a blonde geisha. “Ovo Je Balkan”? No. “Oy vey, it’s Balkan!”

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But the winner of the Little Teddybear AWOL for 2010 goes to a country that obviously wasn’t thinking about the Eurovision Song Contest when they entered their song. Rather, they were thinking that they had to create a song with lyrics that hundreds of thousands of drunken football fans would be able to remember despite their stupors:

Go, go, go… go, ola, olé
Go, go, go… ola, olé
Go, go, go… go, ola, olé
Go, go, go… it’s the sound of the year

Everyone, dam badam
Badabadam badam
Badabadam badam badam

Take me from the side, do your shake
Ooh la la, it’s getting hot, I feel the stuff coming up

Believe me, I feel the stuff coming up as well! Eurovision fans were outraged when French television decided to opt for a football song this year. Football fans said, “What’s all the fuss about?” and wondered why people were so angry about the decision. Well, what do you think the fans would say to a football field full of Verka Serduchkas? No doubt the French entry will be a hit in the football stadiums, but then when was the last time you heard a crowd of supporters break into a Simon & Garfunkel song?

The Little Teddybear AWOL 2010 goes to:
FRANCE: “Allez, Ola, Olé”, lyrics by Hugues Ducamin, Jacques Ballue

And what of the best lyrics of this Eurovision year? Spain! But good lyrics seem to be destined for another – much shorter – blog…

One of the many entrances to shopper's heaven - The Florida Mall in Orlando, Florida.

And while you’re at it, why not stop by the local mall for a little shopping. Prices are 30-50% cheaper than in Norway, and since the mall is twice the size of Norway’s largest, with a selection that would challenge any veteran shopper, you might as well just start at one end and get cracking! Indeed, The Florida Mall in Orlando promises a great time, but even though it is very big, it still is finite, and once you reach the end you’re still at the mercy of the shopowners putting out new merchandise in order for your shopping to seem maximally fresh and fun.

But when one only has 16 days to spend in sunny Florida, and with no plans to return for at least a year, the mall offers us poor shopaholics a real fix for our addictions!

So build up your biceps and clean off that credit card – then just GO WILD!

ZOLI ADOK (Hungary)

He won the Barbara Dex Award for that outrageous outfit that really didn’t show him off at his best at all. A shame, really, because those eyes – ah, those eyes!

YOHANNA (Iceland)

And what an icy cool beauty we saw from Iceland in that powder blue dress! A stunning young lady with a voice to match – no wonder she ended up all the way up in second place!

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First, let me acknowledge the indispensable website The Diggiloo Thrush for providing as accurate as possible translations for some of the countries’ entries. Now the REAL problem at hand is how on earth does one try to find the worst lyrics in a song contest that already is widely known for it’s below-average texts? Such a daunting task is not to be attempted lightly, and so – on behalf of many Eurovision lovers and haters – I will take on the responsibility! First, a quick summary of the kind of wording that we’re dealing with here – here are the nominees:

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1. BULGARIA: “Illusion”, lyrics by William Tabanou, Casie Tabanou, Krassimir Avramov

Show me all I’ve never seen
Wrong, it feels so wrong
To be apart from afar
Your lips could solve it for me
You don’t know how
You don’t know where to go, to go

Oh yes, I DO know where to go – straight out the door! Although there are no real grammatical errors in this piece of….. text…., glueing together random phrases is never the solution. It all comes out like one big mess. Fortunately for Bulgaria this year, they had a singer so off-tune that noone really noticed the lyrics!

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2. CZECH REPUBLIC: “Aven Romale”, lyrics by Radoslav ‘Gipsy’ Banga

I feel something wrong
Made us separate the world on pieces
We got eyes and still stay all so blind

I definitely feel something wrong, too – and having just read those lyrics I’m kind of wishing I was blind as well! Once again, the group Gipsy.cz proved that the only way to get by with terrible lyrics is to do something outrageous in the way of costuming and performance. The superhero outfit the lead singer donned for the performance made everyone wish that he could fly away. Sadly, he didn’t.

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3. GERMANY: “Miss Kiss Kiss Bang”, lyrics by Alex Christensen

Miss Kiss Kiss Bang, come let us sing
Miss Kiss Kiss Bang, now let us swing
Shake your sweet, sweet, sweet little thing
Mrs Kiss Kiss Bang, come let us swing

Not only did the lady in question quickly get married within the space of two lines, but her little thing (whatever that may be) is apparently something that is so sweet that it would cause complete dental failure. Terrible redundancy and repetition throughout the entire song, the only way this act was going to get any points at all was to hire an American to sing it because strangely enough this kind of text still sounds passable with a little American attitude, right?

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4. LATVIA: “Probka”, lyrics by Janis Elsbergs, Sergej Timofejev

This is no easy fun
From a Mercedes to a Volvo
And rushing to your silhouette
Very far away

She has the right idea, trying to get away from him in any car that will drive her. A song about a traffic jam surely can’t be meaningless, you say? Well, I can certainly contain my enthusiasm for a song about bumpers, bending bushes and a packed ring road!

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5. SLOVAKIA: “Let’ Tmou”, lyrics by Petronela Kolevska, Anna Zigova

As forgiveness approaches
Clouds embrace the return
Do not stray, you’re the same
Even if someone breaks you

Okay, this is one that might just be a whole lot better in the original language. If this translation is worth anything, though, no overly-affectionate clouds or threats of my bones being shattered would keep me around for long! Were these lyricists by chance born in the 1960s?

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The 2009 AWOL winner showing us his interpretation of the word "cool"

As terrible as this all may sound, the Little Teddybear AWOL for 2009 still has to go to a song that really could have been SO much better if they had just substituted one single word throughout. See if you can spot which word I mean:

He was a copycat, trying to steal my soul
Now he’s too dead to rock ‘n’ roll

Nothing says class like an Elvis-impersonator. Even if we get past the “funny” bit of him claiming that Presley is the real imitator, it’s really hard to overlook the comments about how the King is too fat and/or too dead. Now, that’s just downright insulting in my book – and I’m not even an Elvis fan. Tongue-in-cheek the Belgian act says. No, no, no.

The Little Teddybear AWOL 2009 goes to:
BELGIUM: “Copycat”, lyrics by Jacques Duvall

Congratulations – or something like that! So what about the best lyrics of 2009, then? France, by far! But that’s a whole other story…

My first memory of anything tornado-related was when I was very young, maybe about three or four. My family lived in St. Paul, Minnesota at the time, and I remember one evening we were visiting my grandparents who lived just up the road. I don’t remember much about the occasion, but I do remember running up and down from the basement all night long as the tornado warnings kept flashing across the TV screen. For all I know that evening could have been part of the “Super Outbreak” in April of 1974 – the timing would be about right, that’s for sure.

It would be another 7 years, though, before another memorable “encounter” with those swirling vortexes. Having moved to a small town in southwestern Minnesota called Redwood Falls, we found ourselves moving deeper into Tornado Alley territory. One day in June of 1981 we watched the sky turn dark in the northwest. Listening to the radio, we realized that the meteorologists were watching a tornado as it made it’s way along the Minnesota River - right towards us! No sooner did we hear the story on the radio when the town’s civil defense sirens started wailing. Believe me, it is one of the most bone-chilling sounds you will ever hear, and if you haven’t grown up with it, there’s no way to describe how that sound can cut straight through bones.

Down into the basement we ran and huddled underneath a heavy workbench. Through the small basement window on the opposite wall we could see how it got very dark out, how the winds whipped trees and bushes around, and how lightning constantly cut through the dark and rain. The local radio station had reporters out in the field (what crazy nuts!) so we were kept abreast of the storm’s progress. After what seemed like four hours, but in reality was about 20 minutes, the winds died down and it started getting brighter outside. My mother and I walked back upstairs to find no damage to the house, thankfully. Nevertheless, our hearts were pounding after such an ordeal.

My father, who arrived home from work a few hours later, said that they had been sent to the basement at work as well. But he wanted to get a glimpse of the storm, so he had gone back up to the entry door just in time to see the funnel cloud swirling above town. I realized right then that despite an overwhelming fear, I really wished that I had been able to see that as well!

Many years have since passed, and in 1982 my family relocated to Norway, where a tornado is something that really only happens in the US and we only hear about in the news. Still, there are many websites that I visit regularly just to keep track of where severe weather is occuring in the States – sometimes to keep track for relatives that still live there, but most often just for my own fascination. And for nearly 28 years now, I have wished that The Weather Channel was available on this side of the Atlantic – but alas, that wish still goes unfulfilled. Thank goodness I still have family I can visit, and who have The Weather Channel! Who knows, maybe some day I may even get to go on a chase? If I can take the suspense!

A beautiful song for a beautiful sentiment, made all the more poignant by the recent death of Stephen Gately. May he rest in peace.

The world stops turning, as if to say
That life is learning;
That some things will stay
Despite the burning of the dying day;
That hearts in yearning
Will still find their way
To souls in mourning, and souls at play.

And that in the end
The arms of a friend
Do more than words could ever say.

Dorothy Parker

Here is one of my favorite poems by Dorothy Parker…
 

 “Love Song”

My own dear love, he is strong and bold
And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled –
Oh, a girl, she’d not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world, –
And I wish I’d never met him.

My love, he’s mad, and my love, he’s fleet,
And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams, –
And I wish he were in Asia.

My love runs by like a day in June,
And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He’ll tread his galloping rigadoon
In the pathway of the morrows.
He’ll live his days where the sunbeams start,
Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart, –
And I wish somebody’d shoot him.

Wonderful stuff!