Mister and Miss Eurovision 2010

The glitter has once again stopped falling, and the lights and music have died down in the Telenor Arena outside Oslo. BUT, we remember fondly those days in May when the music world – or at least a PART of it – focused their attention on the Eurovision Song Contest 2010. And just who springs easiest to mind when remembering those hordes of artistes? Well, here’s a couple of suggestions…

DIDRIK SOLLI-TANGEN (Norway)

The result may not have been what the host country Norway were hoping for, but as long as you could dream yourself away in those eyes, nothing else really mattered…

SOFIA NIZHARADZE (Georgia)

And what about those lovely ladies? Well, here was one who stunned us with her classic dark beauty as well as with her considerable singing talent – taking her home country to their best finish yet in the competition.

Are we looking forward to 2011 already? You bet we are!!

Little Teddybear AWOL 2010

Well, would you look at the calendar… It’s that time of year again when the world is subjected to flashing lights, feathers and balloons everywhere, stray cats screeching, and the occasional operetta – in other words, it’s time for this year’s Eurovision Song Contest and another edition of the Little Teddybear AWOL (Award for Worst Lyrics)! This year’s competition comes to us from that beautifully adorned igloo that is Oslo, Norway. And should all of the snow melt in time for the show on the 29th of May 2010, then the event might even attract and audience!

But for now, off we blindly stumble into the Eurovoid – that place where no points are awarded and where nothing else makes much sense, either. As the gatekeeper, Jahn Teigen, greets us we launch into the nominees for this year’s Award for Worst Lyrics, once again making sure to thank The Diggiloo Thrush for putting those memorable phrases down in print…

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1. DENMARK, “In a Moment Like This”, lyrics by Thomas G:son, Henrik Sethsson

In a moment like this
Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know what you’re looking for
Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know if you’ll ask for more
Oh, in a moment like this

Well, I guess what I’m, I guess what I’m, I guess what I’m looking for are some lyrics that actually mean something and that aren’t just repeated to fill out the melody. You would think, you would think, you would think that with all the experience that Thomas G:son has had with songwriting that he would be able to make a little more sense. This song was rejected from the Swedish preselection process before going on to win in Denmark. I wonder if the Swedes took the text literally and actually DID ask for more?

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2. LATVIA, “What For?”, lyrics by Guntars Racs

I’ve asked my uncle Joe, but he can’t speak
Why does the wind still blow and blood still leaks?
So many questions now with no reply
What for do people live until they die?

Only Mr. God knows why

Hard to know where to begin here, really. First off, I really doubt that someone named Aisha has an uncle called Joe, and since he’s mute she obviously feels he is the right person to ask questions of. The constant repetition of “what for” at the beginning of nearly every line is not only grammatically incorrect; after a while it’s just downright annoying, too! What for she seems to want to sing this? Well, I guess only Mr. God knows why, but what does Mrs. God think?

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3. LITHUANIA: “Eastern European Funk”, lyrics by Jurgis Didziulis, Aurelijus Morlencas, Sergej Makidon, Jievaras Jasinskis, Laurynas Lape

Yes sir, we are legal, we are, though we’re not as legal as you
No sir, we’re not equal, no, though we’re both from the EU
We build your houses, we wash your clothes, keep your hands all squeaky clean
Some day you’ll come to realise Eastern Europe is in your genes

First a little shame, then a little advertising, then a whole lot of repetition. It’s difficult to believe that five lyricists worked on this song, and this was the best they could come up with. Although, credit should go where credit is due: This must be the first time in history that someone rhymed “you” with “EU”. Calling Mr. Barroso, you need to get these guys for your TV promo! Also, I refuse to believe that Eastern Europe is in my genes. I might go along with it being on my jeans, but then that usually comes out nicely with some soap and warm water…

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4. NETHERLANDS: “Ik Ben Verliefd (Sha-La-Lie)”, lyrics by Pierre Kartner

Or possibly, I was sitting together with you on a plane to Oslo
Or did it come from a bar in an alley, we were in Trinidad
Or was it with a good glass of wine
In that pavement café in Berlin
Or was it in Moscow where I’ve had my first kiss with you

The poor girl’s been searching the planet for the guy who wrote these lyrics! The text sounds more like a geography lesson until, of course, she launches into the heartfelt chorus of “Sha-La-Lie, Sha-La-La”. Keeping in mind that both music and lyrics are courtesy of the gentleman who brought the world the Smurfs does soften the blow somewhat, although it just makes me wonder what the Smurfs would look like at the Eurovision Song Contest. Oh that’s right, I’d forgotten about the winning Russian song from 2008…

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5. SERBIA: “Ovo Je Balkan”, lyrics by Marina Tucakovic

Balkan, Balkan, Balkan, this is Balkan, come on
Hop, hop, hop, this is Balkan, come on
Hop, hop, hop, this is Balkan, come on
Hop, hop, hop, this is Balkan, come on
Hop, hop, hop, this is Balkan, come on

I think they must have nothing but sticky keyboards in the Balkans. This just makes me want to say, “Yes, we heard you the first time!” But as history has proven time and time again in the past, the only way to get away with horrible lyrics is to create a visual distraction. Enter the male singer, looking like a blonde geisha. “Ovo Je Balkan”? No. “Oy vey, it’s Balkan!”

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But the winner of the Little Teddybear AWOL for 2010 goes to a country that obviously wasn’t thinking about the Eurovision Song Contest when they entered their song. Rather, they were thinking that they had to create a song with lyrics that hundreds of thousands of drunken football fans would be able to remember despite their stupors:

Go, go, go… go, ola, olé
Go, go, go… ola, olé
Go, go, go… go, ola, olé
Go, go, go… it’s the sound of the year

Everyone, dam badam
Badabadam badam
Badabadam badam badam

Take me from the side, do your shake
Ooh la la, it’s getting hot, I feel the stuff coming up

Believe me, I feel the stuff coming up as well! Eurovision fans were outraged when French television decided to opt for a football song this year. Football fans said, “What’s all the fuss about?” and wondered why people were so angry about the decision. Well, what do you think the fans would say to a football field full of Verka Serduchkas? No doubt the French entry will be a hit in the football stadiums, but then when was the last time you heard a crowd of supporters break into a Simon & Garfunkel song?

The Little Teddybear AWOL 2010 goes to:
FRANCE: “Allez, Ola, Olé”, lyrics by Hugues Ducamin, Jacques Ballue

And what of the best lyrics of this Eurovision year? Spain! But good lyrics seem to be destined for another – much shorter – blog…

Mister and Miss Eurovision 2009

All right, so the show is over and the results have been announced, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t look back a little bit and remember those who were easiest on the eyes in Moscow! Beauty is – like many other things – totally subjective, but here are a couple of artists who made MY viewing experience more enjoyable…

ZOLI ADOK (Hungary)

He won the Barbara Dex Award for that outrageous outfit that really didn’t show him off at his best at all. A shame, really, because those eyes – ah, those eyes!

YOHANNA (Iceland)

And what an icy cool beauty we saw from Iceland in that powder blue dress! A stunning young lady with a voice to match – no wonder she ended up all the way up in second place!

Little Teddybear AWOL 2009

According to the dictionary “AWOL” is defined as meaning “Absent WithOut Leave”, but could it not just as easily mean “Award for WOrst Lyrics”? Okay, maybe that’s more of a stretch, but that is at least the meaning is has for me on this blog, as I look at the Eurovision Song Contest  and present the Little Teddybear AWOL for 2009!

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First, let me acknowledge the indispensable website The Diggiloo Thrush for providing as accurate as possible translations for some of the countries’ entries. Now the REAL problem at hand is how on earth does one try to find the worst lyrics in a song contest that already is widely known for it’s below-average texts? Such a daunting task is not to be attempted lightly, and so – on behalf of many Eurovision lovers and haters – I will take on the responsibility! First, a quick summary of the kind of wording that we’re dealing with here – here are the nominees:

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1. BULGARIA: “Illusion”, lyrics by William Tabanou, Casie Tabanou, Krassimir Avramov

Show me all I’ve never seen
Wrong, it feels so wrong
To be apart from afar
Your lips could solve it for me
You don’t know how
You don’t know where to go, to go

Oh yes, I DO know where to go – straight out the door! Although there are no real grammatical errors in this piece of….. text…., glueing together random phrases is never the solution. It all comes out like one big mess. Fortunately for Bulgaria this year, they had a singer so off-tune that noone really noticed the lyrics!

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2. CZECH REPUBLIC: “Aven Romale”, lyrics by Radoslav ‘Gipsy’ Banga

I feel something wrong
Made us separate the world on pieces
We got eyes and still stay all so blind

I definitely feel something wrong, too – and having just read those lyrics I’m kind of wishing I was blind as well! Once again, the group Gipsy.cz proved that the only way to get by with terrible lyrics is to do something outrageous in the way of costuming and performance. The superhero outfit the lead singer donned for the performance made everyone wish that he could fly away. Sadly, he didn’t.

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3. GERMANY: “Miss Kiss Kiss Bang”, lyrics by Alex Christensen

Miss Kiss Kiss Bang, come let us sing
Miss Kiss Kiss Bang, now let us swing
Shake your sweet, sweet, sweet little thing
Mrs Kiss Kiss Bang, come let us swing

Not only did the lady in question quickly get married within the space of two lines, but her little thing (whatever that may be) is apparently something that is so sweet that it would cause complete dental failure. Terrible redundancy and repetition throughout the entire song, the only way this act was going to get any points at all was to hire an American to sing it because strangely enough this kind of text still sounds passable with a little American attitude, right?

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4. LATVIA: “Probka”, lyrics by Janis Elsbergs, Sergej Timofejev

This is no easy fun
From a Mercedes to a Volvo
And rushing to your silhouette
Very far away

She has the right idea, trying to get away from him in any car that will drive her. A song about a traffic jam surely can’t be meaningless, you say? Well, I can certainly contain my enthusiasm for a song about bumpers, bending bushes and a packed ring road!

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5. SLOVAKIA: “Let’ Tmou”, lyrics by Petronela Kolevska, Anna Zigova

As forgiveness approaches
Clouds embrace the return
Do not stray, you’re the same
Even if someone breaks you

Okay, this is one that might just be a whole lot better in the original language. If this translation is worth anything, though, no overly-affectionate clouds or threats of my bones being shattered would keep me around for long! Were these lyricists by chance born in the 1960s?

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The 2009 AWOL winner showing us his interpretation of the word "cool"

As terrible as this all may sound, the Little Teddybear AWOL for 2009 still has to go to a song that really could have been SO much better if they had just substituted one single word throughout. See if you can spot which word I mean:

He was a copycat, trying to steal my soul
Now he’s too dead to rock ‘n’ roll

Nothing says class like an Elvis-impersonator. Even if we get past the “funny” bit of him claiming that Presley is the real imitator, it’s really hard to overlook the comments about how the King is too fat and/or too dead. Now, that’s just downright insulting in my book – and I’m not even an Elvis fan. Tongue-in-cheek the Belgian act says. No, no, no.

The Little Teddybear AWOL 2009 goes to:
BELGIUM: “Copycat”, lyrics by Jacques Duvall

Congratulations – or something like that! So what about the best lyrics of 2009, then? France, by far! But that’s a whole other story…